


double play

by ReleaseTheSheep



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alcohol, F/M, M/M, Multi, Vaxlethmore, Wish Fulfillment, gods there's a lot of alcohol, good things happen to shit people
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-20
Updated: 2017-02-20
Packaged: 2018-09-25 19:00:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9839681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ReleaseTheSheep/pseuds/ReleaseTheSheep
Summary: In which Vax apologizes for being a shit in Howarth's tavern that one time, long, long ago.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Notes: So I was really pissed about the Howarth's kiss way back in episode 38 (weren't we all). This is me making Vax apologize for it, and hey, why not throw in some OT3 while we're at it? 
> 
> Also exploring a headcanon that Keyleth occasionally comes to Gilmore with her problems and he helps her figure feelings out over like hot cocoa or something. Or occasionally something more potent. Speaking of which, for some reason there's a great deal of alcohol in this. I blame Vax, the fool drives me to drink.
> 
> Huge thanks to @curriebelle and @shorthalt (on tumblr) for beta-ing and letting me rant about how hard it is to come up with a title, respectively.

"Brother dear, sometimes I really wonder what your fucking damage is!"

Vex'ahlia stormed in, face flushed with rage. Vax lay sprawled on the bed, his eyes glassy, a bashed-up goblet hanging from his grasp and an open bottle precariously teetering on the edge of his nightstand.

"And a pleasant evening to you too."

"Yes thank you, it would have been; only it's not, is it, because you went and, and- oh, just what in the nine Hells were you thinking?"

"I wasn't, obviously. Really Vex'ahlia, after all these years I'd have thought you might have figured out that 'not thinking' is my default setting."

"Well snap out of it and get your brain working." Vex stalked over to the corner of the room, where there stood a table - more of a board resting on boxes, really - that occasionally served as her brother's writing desk. Vax made as if to sit up, and then crumbled back down into the same sloppily outstretched pose, his limbs unfurled like a wet towel over the mangled sheets. Vex rifled through the mess for a relatively clean sheet of parchment and a quill, "You have an apology to write."

A grumbling moan came from the direction of the bed. "What use is that going to be? What use is a sheet of paper to a man whose heart I've torn out of his chest?" Vax rolled over, setting the goblet down on the nightstand with a clang. The sound seemed to clear his head somewhat. "What would I even write? 'Hey Gil, sorry I'm a life-wrecking tornado, a waste of time, and a waste of space, hope we can still be friends, love, Vax.' Wouldn't that just make it all dandy?"

Vex shuffled through the table's contents in frantic search of an inkwell. "It's not about making it all dandy, brother, it's about showing him that you know you acted like an ass. It's about being decent at the very least, and making it clear this time that you mean to 'end the dance' or however you want to put it. And for gods' sakes no _kissing_ upon delivery. Now get your arse over here and write!"

"No! I mean it Vex'ahlia, a written apology wouldn't make anything better and going to see him in this state might very well make it worse!" And with that, Vax stood and marched out the door.

"Brother!" Vex rushed across the carpet, parchment in hand, attempting to apprehend the cloaked escapee. "Get back here you bleeding idiot!" She swung through the doorway, eyes darting left and right, keen ranger senses alert for any sign of Vax, but he had melted into shadow. "It's incredibly frustrating when you do that," she hissed into the darkness. "You'd better not expect a shoulder to cry on when you inevitably regret this."

~~~ ~~~

Vax flicked the cork of his flask into the air, over and over. Each time it crossed the top of the city skyline, he imagined it catching on the spires and awnings of the buildings it passed on its descent, as though the darkened silhouettes outlined in the burning sunrise were no more than a paper cut-out running across his field of vision. It was a game he had invented years ago on one of his very first escapades to the rooftops, and he smiled at the memory as he sat now with his legs dangling lazily from the eaves of the Leore butcher's shop and homestead.

Kynan Leore hadn't been seen around Emon in weeks, and Vax had chosen this spot out of habit rather than anything else. Upon reflection, it didn't seem like the wisest choice. What would he do if the boy returned home this morning, of all times? A fine example he looked, scruffy and inebriated, practically drowning in self-pity and regret.

"I _am_ a bleeding idiot," he said aloud to the weary city at large. The words cut him more deeply than he had expected they would, spoken in his own voice, and he was startled enough to miss his next catch of the cork. He cursed loudly as it bounced off the edge of the eaves and tumbled into the street below. "Just rub it in, why don't you," he growled down at the cork, which was now nestled between the flagstones. He let out a sigh then took another swig from his flask.

The drink burned in his throat, and he winced. _You know, nitwit,_ he thought to himself, _Stubby is, as usual, right. Apologizing will make the shit you're in ever so slightly less shitty._

"She's not, and it won't," he replied aloud.

_Will too._

"Will not."

A pause. _Right then, I suppose that settles it. Too good to even listen to our own conscience anymore, are we? Very well, I'm sure_ you _know what's best._

"You'd better believe I do. You're not even real. Besides, who are you to talk about regret? You're made of alcohol and bad decisions."

_Ooh you got me! I'm nothing but a liquor demon tormenting your thoughts and insidiously influencing your choices! No, you moron, I am part of you. I live here, in this hollowed-out fruit you call a brain, even when you're sober. All this much to my own dismay, I might add. So yes, I might get in the way of your best laid plans from time to time, but tell me Vax'ildan, son of Syldor Vessar, who is it that occasionally forgets to stop drinking?_

Another pause. "What do you want?"

_Fuck, you want a list? Well let's see, there's- oh you mean right now? Hah, well, really it's the same thing you want. We are the same person after all._

"Don't be a cryptic bastard about it, Hells know I'm bad enough at that shit when I'm sober. What do you fucking want?"

_What we both want_ , replied the voice, suddenly serious, _is for Gilmore to know how shitty you feel about that kiss._

Vax's gaze fixed itself on the toes of his black boots. "It was a good kiss," he attempted sheepishly.

_Yes it was, one of the best you've had, it was passionate and deep and delicious and just like you imagined. But it was wrong, it was so fucking wrong to do that to him, you know that as well as I do._

"As you keep reminding me, we are the same person."

_Oh that's clever. Any more wisecracks, Bleeding Idiot?_

"I suppose not."

_Let me break it down into something you can chew. You can either apologize, and in so doing let him know that you feel badly, or you can avoid him like you do every other problem, and let him potentially think that you don't care._

"I couldn't bear to have him think that." Vax cast his eyes down in shame. "I- I couldn't treat him like a- like a problem."

_Then you've only got one choice, wise guy._

Vax heaved a sigh. "Very well."

_That's the ticket._

"Fuck you."

Stoppering the flask with his thumb, he pressed his free hand hard onto the shingles and used the leverage to vault down from the roof. He landed on the flagstones like a cat, then stood to brush himself off. He drained the flask and swallowed hard, feeling the liquid burn a hot trail through his insides. He tossed the empty flask toward where the cork was still laying, and spat. Then he ducked into an alley and began to make his way toward Abadar's Promenade.

~~~ ~~~

"Sherri?"

Shaun Gilmore sat up in bed at the sound of several slow, dragging raps on the door to his shop. He swung out of bed, stepped into his slippers, and went to open the drapes. Noting the still-low position of the sun, he called out, "What are you doing here so early?" The only reply that came was more tired knocking. Gilmore pulled an ornate green and gold silk dressing gown from a hook on the wall and drew it around himself.

The knocking continued. "Yes, I'm coming!" He stopped in front of a mirror long enough to see that any attempt he might make to cover up the less-than-glorious marks of his sleepless night would come out sub-par. He ran a hand through his hair and tied it up in a hurry, the knocking still not having abated. "I said I was coming, there is no need to wear down the knocker, Sherri. And what in the name of the Sovereign's stockings happened to your key?" He swished through the beaded curtain and made his way to the door, unlocking it. "Really Sherri, I- oh."

"Sherri? Oh no I- I'm not Sherri, Gilmore, I'm Keyleth." The redheaded half-elf looked up through her tears, a quizzical look on her face.

"My dear child, no wonder you wouldn't stop knocking, you drowned me out with your own crying, didn't you?"

In reply, Keyleth dropped her weight against Gilmore's chest and began sobbing again, apparently unable to control herself.

"There, there." Gilmore soothed her, rubbing his hand across her spine reassuringly. "Why don't you come in and we can talk about whatever it is that's got you in this state."

He extricated himself from Keyleth's grasp, slipped an arm around her waist, and led her into the shop. They continued onward, behind the counter and through the beaded curtain to Gilmore's private quarters. 

When they eventually stopped, Keyleth looked up and noticed they were in a sort of lounge. It was furnished with overstuffed chairs and poufs and centered around a low glass-topped table. "Take a seat and we'll see if we can't talk it out."

Keyleth obeyed, wiping her tears with the heel of her hand. "It's just- it's- I- I shouldn't be here, this was silly of me, I'll go now-" she began to stand up, but Gilmore placed a firm hand on her shoulder, stopping the movement.

"No I don't think you will go now, my dear," he said, his dark, tender eyes seeming to reach inside her. "You came here to talk, I am here to listen. How about you start from the beginning?"

She looked down for a moment, as though ashamed, then steadied her breathing and said "It's Vax."

As soon as the words had left her mouth, the tears welled up inside her again as they were frustratingly inclined to do. She fought with all her might to keep them down, but they burst forth again, streaking down her face and distorting her breath so she felt like she was drowning.

She was relieved to find that Gilmore let her cry, gently rubbing her back all the while. He didn't stumble around with his words, trying to offer solutions, the way people often do. Right now she just needed someone who could empathize. Who better for that task than the very man whose heart Vax had broken last night?

She caught her breath and looked up, a dry smile on her lips. "I'm sure you appreciate the irony. 'Idiot breaks up with man to be with girl, girl runs to man in tears'." Her smile faded. "Wow, I suddenly feel really selfish coming to you. I didn't really think twice, my feet just sort of carried me here. I mean, talking to you always makes me feel better, you always seem to know what to say and I just- Oh Gilmore, I'm so sorry, compared to what he did to you I have no right to be crying right now, I- I'll go now-"

Immediately, a warm hand pressed on her shoulder. "Tut tut," said Gilmore, shaking his head. "It is perfectly understandable for you to feel like crying after what happened at Howarth's. The fact that I may also have reasons to be upset is... beside the point. At least for now. I am willing to put aside my own feelings long enough to help a dear friend settle her emotions." He paused for effect, then, steadying himself, added, "So yes, you were saying; it's Vax."

Yes of course it's Vax, she thought, it's always Vax, when has it ever not been Vax? "Um, yeah," she stammered, cursing her own awkwardness. "Well, I've been thinking about him a lot recently, obviously, and thinking about him differently than before. And I don't know what to think frankly, and it unsettles me," she shuffled uncomfortably in the chair. "But that was before last night. It was already bad and I was already lost, since he- since Anders' study... But now he's gone and just- made it so much worse, and- oh, I'm sorry Gilmore, it's my fault, if I had told him no, none of this would have happened and I really should be going-" Again she tried to stand, again Gilmore stopped her, this time standing up himself as he pressed down on her shoulder.

"Will you stop that? Invalidating your feelings all the time - why do you do that? It's not healthy you know." He walked to a cabinet in the corner of the room. From it, he picked an azure-coloured bottle and two small crystal glasses. "It's going to make it very difficult for me to offer you advice if you can't accept that you deserve it." He poured a bit of sweet smelling pearl-white alcohol into each glass, then walked back and set them both on the table, along with the bottle. "Now, if you're ready to do this properly, I am willing to listen and try my best to help. Tell me how you feel, and why you think you feel that way, and I'll give my input, regardless of last night's effects on me. But please dear, it is far too early in the morning for me to have the patience to make you face your own feelings. Take a moment to sort through your thoughts."

He sat down and reached for one of the glasses. Keyleth watched as he leaned back in his chair, crossed his legs, and, unexpectedly, knocked back the whole glass in one swallow. He sat there a moment, with his eyes closed and his head tilted back against the top of the chair.

After a moment had passed, he opened his eyes and leaned forward. "Have you come to terms with the fact that you are perfectly entitled to your feelings?" Keyleth nodded. "Good. In that case, I'm all ears."

Keyleth took a deep, shaky breath, nervously bunching up her robe in balled fists on her lap. "Okay. How do I feel? I feel like shit. Why do I feel that way? Because of Vax."

Gilmore poured himself another glass, then calmly leaned back again and said "Alright. That was a good first attempt. How about you try it again? Once more, with feeling."

Keyleth focused on the small glass of bubbly white liquid on the table in order to avoid meeting her interlocutor's deep gaze. "How do I feel," she started, quietly. "How do I feel? I feel upset. I feel... confused. I feel guilty." Gilmore flinched. Keyleth kept her eyes on the drink. "I feel really tired. With everything we've just been through in Whitestone, I don't know if I have the energy right now to deal with Vax's... confession. It's like- it was already tiring enough, and he's just made it so much more complicated, and I can't handle sorting it all out at the moment." She dared herself to look up, and saw Gilmore nod. "As for why I feel that way... it's Vax, but what is it about Vax? He loves me, and-" 

"And?"

Keyleth bit her lip, watching Gilmore's face. "And I don't know if I love him."

Gilmore took a thoughtful sip. "You don't know."

Keyleth shook her head forcefully, turning away once again from the soft black eyes. In the glow of the sunrise, flowing through the elegant arched windows, they seemed flecked with gold.

"Is there anything you do know in this whole mess?" he asked, absent-mindedly swirling the liquid around in his glass.

Keyleth considered the question. Gilmore watched as she cocked her head in thought, the same way a squirrel might cock it's head at a nut that was unusually hard to crack. Then suddenly, she stated, in the bored sort of tone that comes from the feeling that something is obvious, "I know that he loved you."

Despite all the years of practiced restraint and courtesy, in that moment it took all that Shaun Gilmore had not to spit out his drink. "I beg your pardon."

Keyleth turned her gaze toward him with a look of earnest surprise. "Well sure. Didn't you see it in his eyes? He had a way of looking at you, you know. All dreamy and- oh come on, you mean you couldn't tell?"

Gilmore was flabbergasted. He felt hot blood rising to his cheeks. "No. No, I could not tell. And you're suggesting that anyone else could? How could you tell?"

Keyleth paused. "Well, I guess I figured it out when he looked at me the same way, at the Sun Tree a few days ago. I mean, I knew before then that there was something up with that look, and I knew he liked you a lot. But yeah, I think it really clicked in my head when I saw those same eyes on me."

Gilmore stared, unseeing, at the table. Independent of his will, his hand brought the glass to his lips again, and he automatically gulped down its contents before refilling it once more. "He had a particular manner of looking at me you say," he managed to splutter, "how is that?"

Keyleth screwed up her face in concentration. "He sort of-" she looked wistfully at a point on the wall, trying to adjust her expression to match the one framed in her mind. But the harder she tried, the sillier she felt, and eventually she gave up the endeavour entirely. "No, I can't do it."

Gilmore looked down into his glass. "It's a shame I'll never see it for myself."

"I wouldn't be so sure."

"And what, pray tell, is that supposed to mean?"

Keyleth blushed slightly. "Well, when you left the tavern last night, I expected him to turn away immediately and brood," she shuffled in place, as if getting more comfortable physically would make the conversation less uncomfortable. She took a deep breath, and continued. "But he didn't do that. He watched you leave out the window. He watched with that same look." 

Gilmore let out a long sigh, then drank down his third glass.

"You asked if there was anything I did know in this whole mess," Keyleth mused, "and I guess there really wasn't. I said one thing but it wasn't true."

Gilmore stopped in the middle of pouring another glass and looked up.

"I told you, what I thought I knew was that he loved you. But that isn't right. He still does."

At that moment, before Gilmore had time to reply or wipe the bewildered look from his face, there was a loud thudding noise inside the shop followed by a string of curses. "Gil?"

Gilmore and Keyleth looked at each other with a a look of confusion that swelled into panic.

Stumbling footsteps could be heard on the other side of the counter. "Gil, are you up?"

Gilmore put down his glass, shrugged, and called out, "Yes, I'm in the back!"

Keyleth listened, frozen with fear, as the interloper swung their weight over the counter and staggered through the beaded curtain.

"Gil, I'm sorry, I'm a bleeding idiot for what I did last night, I completely understand if you feel like decking me full in the jaw right about now, I deserve it roughly a million times over. In fact, please do, it might do something for this roaring hangover I've gone and given myself on your account. I suppose there'll still be a pounding in my head after, but at least I'll know exactly where it came from." Vax stood with his hands on his knees, his eyes shut tight, prepared for the blow. "Go on, I know you want to. I sure as Hells would."

Gilmore took a moment to look the black-clad half-elf up and down while he considered a course of action. Gods, the fool somehow looked attractive even when hardly able to stand from drink. At length, Gilmore stood and walked over to Vax's hunched form. "I'm not going to hit you." And with that he reached around Vax's back and helped him over to a seat.

Vax rubbed his eyes. "What do you mean you're not gonna- oh, hi Keykey." He hardly felt perturbed by her unexplained presence. He didn't question much anymore.

Keyleth waved shyly. "We were talking. About you. Well I mean, not in a bad way, just- what are you doing here anyway?"

"I came to apologize," he replied from behind his hands, fingers still pressing at the corners of his eyes. "to Gil, mostly. But to you too, I guess. You don't deserve to be caught in the middle of this." 

"Which she isn't," said Gilmore, "she isn't caught in the middle of anything, there's nothing to be caught in." He sighed, and finished his drink, "There's nothing, Vax. You made a decision, you should stick to it. Don't apologize."

Vax couldn't bring himself to meet Gilmore's gaze. "Well, I'm not really apologizing for the decision itself. I'm mostly apologizing for the kiss. It was stupid and cruel to do that to you, to say we're done and then try and taste you as if we were just starting, it was awful, I was awful. I am awful."

Gilmore paused for a moment and let out a sigh, a mirthless smile curling his lips. "If I didn't know you hated yourself enough for the both of us already, I might suggest that you say that again." Vax inhaled sharply. Gilmore took no notice. "Vax'ildan, before I accept your apology, I want to make sure that you understand one thing quite clearly: it hurt. Hearing you say those words hurt, and every step I took away from you afterward hurt more than the last. For that reason I want to think about that night as little as I can from now on, so I intend to forget as much of it as possible, the godsdamned kiss most of all!"

"Right," said Vax, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly, feeling his skin get warm under his fingertips, "I'll forget it too."

Keyleth stood up suddenly between the two men, an empty glass in her hand, her lips damp with the glimmering white liquid. "I don't think that makes sense." Vax twisted toward her in surprise, and Gilmore cocked an eyebrow. "I have a question. Gilmore; truthfully, did you enjoy that kiss?"

Gilmore looked flustered. "I- well- that is to say that-" Keyleth crossed her arms impatiently. "Well it was- something I'd looked forward to for a long time, and it- yes. Yes I did enjoy it, in the moment. It was lovely."

"Right. And how about you Vax, did you like the kiss?"

Vax picked at his bracers, painfully aware of the scarlet hue of his cheeks. "Yeah."

"Okay. So you both enjoyed it. I know I enjoyed watching it. It really looked like- like you belonged there. Next to each other. Touching. Which is weird because Vax, I think I love you. And from what I know about love - which isn't much, granted - you're not supposed to enjoy watching the person you love kiss someone else." Vax's eyes darted anxiously around the room, first to Gilmore, then to Keyleth, then down to his boots, then to the bottle on the table. But Keyleth wasn't finished. "And Gilmore, I don't see you all that often, but when I do, a lot of the time it's like tonight, where I come to you with my heart full, and you help me work it out. And every time you do that I feel like squeezing you really tight in my arms and not letting go until Sherri comes in for work." At this point she stopped for a moment to refill her glass, then threw her head back and drained it. "And I just feel like, I don't know, maybe we should all be together. All three of us. I don't think it says anywhere that love has to only ever be between two people at a time, do you?"

Vax couldn't believe his ears. _Did she just-? What?_

Gilmore pinched his nose in disbelief, then to everyone's surprise, including his own, began to chuckle. It was a deep, warm chuckle, and it swelled and grew until it filled the space between them. A moment later Vax cracked up, and soon all three of them were laughing together, shaking the room with the sound of their relief. Each of them was filled with the feeling that something had just been resolved, like the answer to a riddle that seemed so obvious now that it had been spoken aloud.

As the laughter began to die down, Keyleth plopped down on the arm of Gilmore's chair, exhausted. Gilmore took the opportunity to slip an arm around her waist, feeling the movement of each breath she drew in and let out against his hand as it lay on her hip. She didn't resist, and he was able to look up and notice her giddy smile, and the striking green of her eyes. Her cheeks were flushed; whether from laughter or from drink he couldn't tell, but the effect was soft and glowing, and he smiled. 

Suddenly, Gilmore felt the band he had so hurriedly tied his hair up with slip free, and deft fingers reached in to twist through the loose tendrils. He turned, and only just managed to stop his breath from hitching. Vax was looking at him with the sort of gaze that ought to be reserved for beholding a brilliant meteor shower, or the view of the horizon across a violent ocean. _I guess I figured it out when he looked at me the same way._ This was a gaze for the splendour of a crashing waterfall, or the rugged majesty of a mountain at daybreak. Or a girl made of warmth and light, her figure outlined against the bark of an ancient tree, her laughter rustling its leaves.

_He doesn't truly think you're worth staring at that way, does he?_ Gilmore thought to himself. _And if he does, what could have possessed him to do what he did last night? Surely you're reading into this too much. But surely that isn't a look you give someone you've changed your mind about._ Despite everything, Gilmore found his smile growing. He began to consider the possibility of allowing himself to hope. _What if what Keyleth said was true? What if you really are that precious to him? What if you really are worth looking at like that?_ He chuckled inwardly, then said aloud, "You're damn right I am."

Vax cocked an eyebrow, and just like that, the look was lost. "What was that?"

Gilmore dropped his head against the back of the chair, flattening Vax's hand against the plush material, and let out a contented sigh. Vax responded by cupping his hand around the back of Gilmore's head, and leaning over to plant a kiss on top of it. At the same time, Keyleth shuffled over on the armrest and nestled her head against Gilmore's shoulder.

"I love you both very much."

**Author's Note:**

> Still not sure how I feel about this whole thing... Vax deserves none of this. Oh well.
> 
> And yes, I'm Canadian, I use the letter "u" sometimes, get over it.


End file.
